BARRED DOORS AND OPEN HEARTS

Walking in to the vestibule of the Santiam Corrections facility is lonely.  Two sides of the room are closed off with heavy doors.  There is a greeter desk near the front door.  Straight ahead is a door with bars. 

I stood in the middle of the vestibule reading signs and looking at pictures.  It is a vulnerable feeling knowing that the stories behind that door ahead are of crime and violence.  I pictured rough characters with angry faces and angry hearts. 

Any minute, I would be entering that world that I envisioned.  I made a promise to Erika, a woman I do not know, to perform a marriage service for her.  I didn’t know the groom, the inmate, and until now he was a faceless, unimportant aspect of that promise.  Viewing that barred door changed everything.  I was afraid to meet him.  I was afraid to walk into the labyrinth of hallways and rooms that lay behind that barred door.

But I made a promise.  I made that promise to Erika in October and I wasn’t going to back out now. 

So, my driver’s license was given to the man at the greeter desk, I was given a red tag to hook to my coat and a man came to escort me to room 140.  The barred door open with a squeal, we walked through.  It closed with a loud bang and I was in the labyrinth.  My breathing changed.  It was shallow.  I was walking with intention, my eyes looking each way in a guarded manner.

Entering room 140 was a surprise.  Instead of institution green walls there were murals of hot air balloons, parks, the state capitol building, and other delightful parts of the world outside these walls.  Ten or so people were seated in a circle talking loudly.  I realized that they were the wedding prior to the one I was officiating. 

The chaplain greeted me, talked to me a bit about the protocol, we shared our personal thoughts and he waited for the groom to join us.  I heard the news that he was on his way and my hands went quickly to the edge of my chair.  The door opened.

He walked in, a beautiful young man with strong features and deep brown eyes.  Tattooed on his temple were the words “Blessed” and three small birds flying.  He would not look at me for very long, he was shy and nervous.  I talked to him about the correct pronunciation of his very exotic name, and got it right.  We sat in awkward silence as we waited for Erika.

The other wedding was in process, one of the friends had apparently gotten his Universal Life certificate to perform the ceremony and he haltingly walked through a very traditional template.  The bride, in her long purple gown and purple hair ornament looked satisfied and humble.  The groom, in his blues, also looked happy and humble.  The wedding was over and the group broke in to raucous yelling and laughter and other inmates took lots of pictures.

It was an odd comparison, this lively and loud group and this singular shy man.  I began to feel honored to be sitting with this soul, who seemed sad and lonely, but waiting for the bright spot in his life.

There she was.  Model beautiful, Erika strode through the door dressed in different hues of pinks, her hair corn rowed in places and curly in other places around her perfect face.  The pink very-high heels clomped over to the groom and they kissed and smiled.  She is an organized, take charge person who handed me all of the paper work and had no questions about how to do her part with the signatures.  Again, the inmate photographers buzzed around the table as we completed the work, joking to the groom about signing his life away.

It was a beautiful ceremony, and I realized how completely comfortable I had become in this setting.  I was overjoyed with the happiness I saw in the groom, especially when he said, “I do!  I do!  I do!”  I was humbled to be part of something so sweet and so right.

I left as soon as they kissed.  The guard escorted me through a supply room, complete with a full laundry cart.  “I see those in movies all the time” I joked and he laughed.

I exited the labyrinth with a spring in my step.  I reclaimed my driver's license and I drove home energized and grateful.

Later that night, I wondered why the groom was in prison so I googled him.  It came right up.  At age eighteen he was inebriated at a .16 blood alcohol level.  He hit a cyclist in the dark of the night.  The cyclist died.  There were many articles about this tragedy, including some very hurtful articles about his race.  Pictures of the him were shown, the “blessed” tattoo was on his temple even then.

My heart broke.  I understood completely.

We both knew what it was like to make erroneous judgment calls that would change the course of our lives forever.  We both knew what it was like to be the focus of news stories that accused and set the tone of who we were to outside eyes. 

I did not take a life.  I did however watch people take mine.  I was not eighteen years old when I was vilified by the press.  I could walk away because I could retire.  He had no such choices.  When that barred door slammed, he was in this limbo life for a long time. 

I understood why he was shy.  He still carries the guilt and shame.  He most likely assumed I knew his story. 

I feel that way every single day.  Sadly, prison walls bring his old story to life every day, while I am creating a life away from that story that defined me in my past.

He has received a joyful gift in this beautiful being named Erika.  She will be waiting when he is ready to begin his new life, and she will be a powerful force of good for him as he finds his strengths and moves into his own realm of actualization.  I pray that he finds himself amongst people who uplift him and care for him so that he is able to move that direction with confidence and support.  I pray that he realizes who are not strong players in his life and is able to bid them farewell.  And I pray that he finds that core of highest good within, because it is easy to see and has much to give this world that needs his light.  I pray the tattoo is absolutely right.

It’s easy for me to say.  It is happening to me.

This was a powerful reminder that we are all connected.  We are connected to the woman in purple with the other wedding who leaned her head into her new husband’s chest with a feeling of comfort and joy.  We are connected to her new husband who held his wife with feelings of hope and love.  We are connected to the beautiful Erika who knows what is true and right and cannot be stopped from her highest good. 

We are connected to Erika's groom who is poised on the precipice of change, with the opportunity to leave the past and its accusations and pain and find the true person he was meant to be.

The barred doors held the truth of all this, when they opened, hearts did too.