Thor's Hammer

Lately I read a piece that described life changes and unanticipated events with the symbolism of Thor’s hammer.  In Norse mythology, Thor is the god associated with thunder.  His Hammer is one of the most “fearsome of weapons, capable of leveling mountains.”  The author goes on to say that in wielding his hammer, Thor “would be able to strike as firmly as he wanted, whatever his aim, and the hammer would never fail, and if he threw it at something, it would never miss…….”

I didn’t think much of it, until Thor threw his hammer at me and it didn’t miss.  It hit me square in the gut, the second blow reeled me around like a spindle and the third pass pulled me straight up and I landed with a thud.

I didn’t even see it coming. 

Sixteen months ago, I filed for retirement.  The purpose was to allow me to reduce costs to the state and help build the cash flow that was dwindling.  My salary was immediately reduced and the associated costs to of the retirement was erased.  Only four of us knew, our Chief Operating Officer, the Council Chair, Council Vice Chair and me.  Since I had no real retirement date set, it didn’t seem appropriate to announce something when I would be working for a long time to come without interrupted service to my staff or our constituents.

In February, I set a date of December 31, announced it to my staff and to the council.  One council member was upset at learning at a late date.  Another smiled internally because he wanted to find problems with the agency that would jeopardize our program base.  My staff was glum but shouldered on, unsure of the changes that would happen with agency leadership.

By April, I found out that not only was I dead wrong about the simplicity I had attributed to the May 2011 act, but the ensuing furor from auditors, other agencies and the Governor’s office was stunning.  My chair and vice chair were removed for “bad acts”.  I tried to talk to the auditors about the reasoning of financial savings, but that fell on deaf ears.  I had a report run in June that indicated I’d saved the agency close to $100,000 by getting off health insurance as well as the other measures.  I was told to bury it because one line item would be misconstrued as proving rumors that were being spread by gubernatorial staff. 

I left the agency in July instead of waiting for that December date.

Thor’s hammer was already lifting, Thor clenched his fists to get a good grip.

The audit was published this week and the only problem found was my “secret retirement”.  An article came on line from the Portland Business Journal.  I braced myself, hoping that it would be a fluke.  I’d been assured by my media guru that this was not a story of interest by the media.  Nevertheless, Thor’s hammer had tapped me on the elbow.

A reporter called that day from the local paper, giving me a chance to tell my story.  I felt empowered by that.  The resulting article was very fair.  I relaxed

Thor’s hammer raised itself that same day when I heard the story was now on the radio, and being shared on television broadcasts.    The hammer swung me sideways and I had trouble righting myself.

Today the local paper published an editorial about the issue, using me as an example of a flawed retirement system.  Thor’s hammer swung wide, hit me square in the chest and I lay prone gasping for breath and writhing in fear.

Twenty eight years of service was reduced to a single incident and I was personally named as a violator of good practices.  The phone had stopped ringing.  I received no emails or Facebook salutations.  I plummeted into well know reactions of the martyred victim.

But I’m lucky to have friends that are not impressed by victim mentality, nor do they want to nurture those behaviors.  “This does not define you,” my friend K. said.  “What you need to do is focus on the you that is good, and true, and has an open and caring heart.  That’s what matters.”  In my despair, all I could do was jot those words down for later use.

I pulled out the article on Thor’s hammer and read some more.  “…..if you find yourself flattened by Thor’s Hammer, it means you have become mired in the quicksand of fear and reactivity that has made you a target.  You will find that at this time you are…..blaming, attached…………..martyred……judgmental, self-deprecating, full of regret…………..  This is the place of feeling powerless to act.  You got triggered by something or someone and did not stay neutral.”

Stay neutral?  When 28 years of my life is reduced to finger pointing and lifted eyebrows and silent phones?  Stay neutral when I am worried that I will be tarred with this brush for the rest of my life?  Stay neutral when I am now only able to detach from that job that I loved because I have no choice?

Ah………………….there it is.

This event heralds the end of a life that fed my soul at times fed my ego at times, gave me uplifting joy when I could be creative and tremendous downs when I didn’t do things right.  Through it all, I carried the responsibility – sometimes well, sometimes not.

I knew that every single person who was fired from the agency was gobbling up the news stories and licking their lips with glee.

I knew that my ego was now squashed and pulled like silly putty, because instead of a retirement party where the celebration of good things done could happen with jovial camaraderie, I am walking away alone.

Yes, my friend K was right.  It is time to shed the CEO package and learn who I am underneath that entire persona that I developed over the years.

But first I had to grieve.

I am grieving the demise of those 28 years.  I am grieving the loss of the relationships I treasured.  I am grieving the joy of planning new ventures and watching key staff grow into amazing professionals.  I am grieving the death of me as a CEO, the most important persona I had.

I will grieve for a while but I will also begin to craft my own direction for the third trimester of my life.  I will use Thor’s hammer to stand in my truth about this situation, whether it is admitting that I had no idea about how to function as a state agency head around retirement issues, or informing about my intentions in doing it the way I did.  It could be that no one cares what I have to say.  I am a game piece in the reaction game to potential retirement fund misuse.  How I feel about how things have been done is of no concern to anyone.  That is another reason why my ego is stretched and pulled and flattened.  In politics, it isn’t the individual that matters; it’s the end result of the political issue.

In my neutrality, I get it.  Now I need to move forward toward acceptance.

The article goes on to say, “Become neutral as quickly as possible, observe that you always have a choice, reflect on what action you choose to take in your life and then do it.  Use the image of having a Thor’s Hammer as your own ability to choose, intend and take powerful action.  This is it.  Do it now.”

Thor’s hammer will swing again.  I am not fully ready, but I am ready to find out how to be ready.  For now I am working at staying away from blame.  The decisions made were done as best way possible based on everyone’s knowledge and mindset at any given time.  This hammer is swinging mightily for reasons beyond those made in May of 2011.

What is more important is that I learn to be in acceptance of those hammer swings and be as neutral as possible in my response.  It is important that I stand in my truth when I can, but take very good care of myself all of the time.  It is important to heal.  It is important to embrace with open arms the wisdom brought to me on a daily basis by friends who are steeped in the attitude of acceptance and spiritual high-mindedness.

It is important to see a future of new opportunities and not need to know what they are.  That’s the beauty of an ego that is slithering and squished.  It allows new thoughts to come in.  Like a blacksmith’s art, Thor’s Hammer will create the new life with magic and unanticipated beginnings.

A beautiful friend and I talked about those endings yesterday and she sent me this beautiful piece through Facebook.  It is true for so many. 

I give closure to the past
I cut the cords that bind me
I deserve to fulfill my destiny
I adjust to change in my life
I welcome change in my life
My future is full of possibilities
I invite new choices into my life
I live free from struggle and fear
My goals are becoming manifest
I seek and find what I need within me
I release my need to deaden my feelings
I release the past and welcome the future
Change in my life is a way for me to learn
The plan of my life reveals itself naturally
New realms of possibility gleam before me
I accept peace and joy in all aspects of my life
I learn valuable lessons from change in my life
I am in control of my life by the choices I make
I'm ready to live life to its fullest, and life's ready for me
I nurture my inner child, love her and have allowed her to heal
I make every act an act of love, freedom, mastery and hope