I got a text from a close friend last week saying “I need to discuss shame”. S. is a smart, loving and incredibly competent woman. She is always growing in her field of expertise. She writes, she paints, and she helps lead meditation groups at the local prison. She is vibrant and healthy, even after conquering stage four breast cancer.
S. is ashamed of her body. For as along as I’ve known her, she has been fit and lean, working out with cardio, weights and yoga. While her cancer had an impact, it was not long term. She is growing older, and is still beautiful.
Yet, S. is ashamed and angry at her body. She always has been. She fears that this self loathing has created some of the physical challenges she has had. Even though she agrees with me about her many attributes, she cannot come to peace with a body she has tried to “fix” all her life.
Our conversation turned to wonder at how we can be so separate within. We read the platitudes about how we must first love ourselves in order to see the changes we must make, but that’s a tall order. Women are raised from Barbie dolls and cartoon characters to believe that women’s bodies should be hourglass shaped and perfectly turned out. We know how cruel children are to the “fat kids” who are the last to be picked for the team, and rarely invited to parties. We shape our idea of the perfect self, and then we spend a lifetime working toward that shape.
Somehow, the self separates in those cases when the need for the body to be “perfect” is a continuing goal development activity. Somehow, the self that we are that gathers family and friends, chooses a career, plans a vacation, decides our spiritual path and pursues our talents is a person we recognize and share with others. That self has shaped the persona we show the world. All too often, that self does not feel at one with the temple in which it resides.
We never say, “I wish my brain was just a little bigger to grasp Quantum physics” every day. But how often do we weigh ourselves or put on a tight pair of jeans and once again wish our bodies were different.
How sad it is that the one part of ourselves that people view first is the one part of ourselves that we spend so much money trying to shape into a reasonable, acceptable image of what we want to be. It is as though we know we have greatness on the inside, but it isn’t worth much until we are proud of what is on the outside. We feel we aren’t as loveable if we don’t look the part.
For those of us who swim in that sea of shame, we must face the genesis of the beliefs we feel, and learn to include our bodies into our self love efforts. We don’t love greatly if we love one part of ourselves conditionally. We don’t shine our light if we are too busy trying to fix the part of us that we can’t love.
One message of the solar plexus energy field is that of assimilation. The solar plexus generates heat. Fire assimilates any matter into combined material of change (ashes, coal, etc). “Love who you are, in total” this energy field tells us. It is what makes us whole.
“Make an altar” I told S., “Ask God to help you love your body as much as you love your mind, your creativity, your love for friends” I pictured her putting things on her altar that reflected her unrealistic ideas of what her body should be (one Barbie doll should do it), and then put images of what would be the most beautiful her.
She cried, thanked me, and we hung up.
I’m getting ready to make my own altar, bringing the same humble requests to my own Source.
So lets have a picture of your altar.
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