This winter has been a time fraught with incredible highs and deep, painful lows. To test my mettle, the Universe bequeathed me with people who were there to uplift and defend, and people who had my worst interests at heart. My organization (with me as the lead) was maligned by lobby groups and the Portland paper that thrives on expose. On the other hand, the primary Portland paper and one TV news paper championed our efforts with great support. I watched someone very dear to my heart sink to a low ebb, the like I'd never seen from him, and then rise to a brilliant stance with testimony that brought me to my knees. This time I had one person intent on my failing, not just with the legislation, but with my job. It was personal. I left the experience shattered.
Such is a legislative session. For those of us who have been in the fray for years, this has been a stimulating lifestyle that can make you feel alive and energized. After taking a week to rest and reflect, I realized that it is not the lifestyle I want any more. I also realized that I learned more than I had planned. Forget the strategies and tactical maneuvering, I had to figure out why I was suffering from what I considered to be PTSD instead of leaving with a delighted celebration of passing the bill.
I am a short timer, so I also am faced with leaving slowly from a job I've spent 28 years crafting and living for. I have no idea where I am going after that. I've had advisers disappear, contracts end without a product, a disinterest in my business plan, and now know - I just don't know.
As I searched for ways to heal, I was given incredible gifts. Friends were able to give me insights, and guide me to some personal conclusions. Books waited for me to find a page and see an answer pop into my awareness. Uplifting TV shows gently led me to information that helped me dig deeper. Even one old movie told me to place my awareness on the Highest Level, rather than . I learned about courage. I learned about what courage I am required to cultivate to move forward.
I know now that none of this is what is happening in my world. All of it is what is in my cellular level of memories and scripts. The personal attacks dug deep to remind me that I hadn't healed the attacks of my childhood. The accusations flew at me to remind me that I needed to heal the rough times of high school cliques and mean girl maneuvers. The sadness and exhaustion came from a knowledge that I need to find a solid place to stand, to plant my roots, to live toward acceptance and intention.
It is not fun digging into the reasons for reactions and decisions. I find that sometimes I find a sense of despair because it seems bigger than me. Other times the "aha" of the revelation brings a sense of relief and I breathe easier. Above all, each day I find a new mantra. Above all, I ask for the courage to release the ego and learn the joy of co-creation. I ask for the courage to know that every person involved in the illusion of that session are indelibly connected to me and I to them. I have the qualities of compassion shown by the Senate President, I can do the same wily shenanigans that were done by those against us.
The key is to move on with a realization that we are at a time when we are here to embrace the learning, have the courage to find our own accountability, and work together for the good of the world.
God help us.
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