That Inner Tantrum

Do we ever grow completely up?  I am asking myself just that, as I remember my day in painting class.

The subject was autumn trees near a lake.  The key was to bring oil on oil into a growing and developing landscape of sky, water, background trees, then foreground trees, then land and pathway and final beautifully appointed trees colored with the hues of fall.

My sky was okay, clouds were a bit suspect but I learned to blend and that was fun.  I forgot to save room for my sunlit water way, but learned how to rectify that.  And then.................it was time for the background trees.  People around the room were dotting and tapping and blending and small islands of forests were rising up to fill the horizon with a breathless landscape.  My own canvass showed lumpy, bumpy and dark unrecognizable space between the "trees" and the water.  When I tried to draw a shore line it looked a bit like a heart monitor readout.  The large forested area to the left looked a bit like a green blob sinking ever so slightly in algae infested water.

By break time, I was frustrated and ready to call it a day.  I refused to draw branches in my forested area, I was so "done".  All I needed was to see people leave for break so I could gather my coat and scarf and head out the door.  I was having an internal tantrum and it was time to leave.  I told the woman sitting next to me that my painting had reached a critical point where it couldn't be fixed and I was going to call it a day.  She heard the little tears in my throat.  When I said it was time for me to leave, she said something about "mature way of dealing" that stopped me cold.  I opened to her suggestions and fixed the algae colored water, as well as getting the horizon a little more recognizable through more blending.  The teacher came over and helped me line the shoreline for depth.  Then my painting partner and I took a walk, talked about other things, and I found my center once again.

Isn't it interesting that no matter how old a person gets, there are still reactions based on old scripts from years ago?  I realized that I was accessing that little girl who was afraid not to do things right, that felt her worth was in achieving at the first try.  I thought about how often I have left a class when learning a new craft seems too hard or when I'm afraid I'm not good enough.  And there I am, a little girl who takes the "bratty" road to get out of the anticipated humiliation.

Today I bless the woman who not only helped me find ways to correct my errors, but called me our on my immature response to the problem.  I bless the fact that she walked with me and honored me, and allowed me to reach out for help.  I bless the fact that rather than avoid humiliation, I was able to practice humility.  Unlike that poor child within who still tries to overachieve, I can now choose to say "I'm enough".

My teacher and my friend gave advice throughout the second half of the class and the resulting painting is good enough to frame and hang.  I'm pretty proud of it.  But even more so, I'm proud of  being open to hearing, accepting help and, just for today, for being a grown up.

Courage

 

Bring anger and pride under your feet, turn them into a ladder and climb higher.               Rumi

This winter has been a time fraught with incredible highs and deep, painful lows.  To test my mettle, the Universe bequeathed me with people who were there to uplift and defend, and people who had my worst interests at heart.  My organization (with me as the lead) was maligned by lobby groups and the Portland paper that thrives on expose.  On the other hand, the primary Portland paper and one TV news paper championed our efforts with great support.  I watched someone very dear to my heart sink to a low ebb, the like I'd never seen from him, and then rise to a brilliant stance with testimony that brought me to my knees.  This time I had one person intent on my failing, not just with the legislation, but with my job.  It was personal.  I left the experience shattered.

Such is a legislative session.  For those of us who have been in the fray for years, this has been a stimulating lifestyle that can make you feel alive and energized.  After taking a week to rest and reflect, I realized that it is not the lifestyle I want any more.  I also realized that I learned more than I had planned.  Forget the strategies and tactical maneuvering, I had to figure out why I was suffering from what I considered to be PTSD instead of leaving with a delighted celebration of passing the bill.

I am a short timer, so I also am faced with leaving slowly from a job I've spent 28 years crafting and living for.  I have no idea where I am going after that.  I've had advisers disappear, contracts end without a product, a disinterest in my business plan, and now know - I just don't know.

As I searched for ways to heal, I was given incredible gifts.  Friends were able to give me insights, and guide me to some personal conclusions.  Books waited for me to find a page and see an answer pop into my awareness.  Uplifting TV shows gently led me to information that helped me dig deeper.  Even one old movie told me to place my awareness on the Highest Level, rather than .  I learned about courage.  I learned about what courage I am required to cultivate to move forward.

I know now that none of this is what is happening in my world.  All of it is what is in my cellular level of memories and scripts.  The personal attacks dug deep to remind me that I hadn't healed the attacks of my childhood.  The accusations flew at me to remind me that I needed to heal the rough times of high school cliques and mean girl maneuvers.  The sadness and exhaustion came from a knowledge that I need to find a solid place to stand, to plant my roots, to live toward acceptance and intention. 

It is not fun digging into the reasons for reactions and decisions.  I find that sometimes I find a sense of despair because it seems bigger than me.  Other times the "aha" of the revelation brings a sense of relief and I breathe easier.  Above all, each day I find a new mantra.  Above all, I ask for the courage to release the ego and learn the joy of co-creation.  I ask for the courage to know that every person involved in the illusion of that session are indelibly connected to me and I to them.  I have the qualities of compassion shown by the Senate President, I can do the same wily shenanigans that were done by those against us. 

The key is to move on with a realization that we are at a time when we are here to embrace the learning, have the courage to find our own accountability, and work together for the good of the world. 

God help us.